Today was a great day. Honestly its been a great couple weeks. I'm burnt out, exhausted and in some ways just holding a few pieces of life together, but today I've got a smile ear to ear baby. 2016 has been its own marathon, albeit a mental one. At times I've honestly felt like I'm wrapped up in something far bigger than I sometimes can even understand. The only way I could describe it is like this out-of-body experience where you are watching yourself and everything else happening around you. Only I am very much in-body, with my feat on the ground. I think the perspective I've really been seeing is God working in my life, shining the way at times while I've been on autopilot chasing down a dream. Of course that's 'autopilot" in the Tesla sense: Dialed in, but you best be believe you better be paying attention to the road ahead and be ready to make any course corrections when the lines on the road disappear. After all, ultimately we are in the driver's seat. It would be a mistake to give you the impression that this journey has been all peaches n' cream as I float on cloud nine or a magic carpet. It has been serious work, sacrifice, and plenty of uncertainty along the way. Interestingly and probably not really surprisingly, there was a stretch where the closer I got to firming up plans and actually setting things in motion to move, in which self doubt began to creep back in on the periphery. My online pathophysiology class was killing me, I was underwater with end of quarter work at Tesla, working Saturdays at the hospital, and the reality that I actually needed to start getting ready to move in six weeks was acute. In the heat of all that came the thoughts. "You can't be a flight nurse." "You don't know enough." "Your pathophysiology game is going to be weak." "You took this course online, you haven't learned enough." "You're too old." "You should stay at Tesla, you're going to miss out if you leave." While there may be some validity to a few of those statements, in the end all they really are is negative chatter being thrown my direction in an attempt to take my eye off the road at a crucial moment. I think I've learned that the best defense in these moments is to have a counter list of everything that has clicked in to place and pulled you to this exact moment in time on your journey. This list is your #55 that can say, "No,No. Not in my house. Not today." When we look closely at life, we can practice seeing God work in our lives in big and small ways. Our end of the deal is to hopefully notice these moments, express gratitude for them, and try our best to store them away. This recipe waters our faith in our path and pursuits, and in ourselves. I think it's when we are demonstrating this formula most effectively that we are able to see things lining up in our lives in even greater detail.
This doesn't mean we will have every turn illuminated, and there will be long stretches, even when we are doing our best, where we don't remotely feel that connection and direction.. The reason for this is because sometimes we have to act. Sometimes we have to take the first step into the unknown. We have to put in the work. The beautiful part comes when we get the feedback and confirmation that we are moving in the right direction. Personally with my journey, I have found those moments come relatively quickly after I've taken a few meager steps further into the unknown or outside of my comfort zone. I suppose it won't always be like that, and maybe that's just what I need right now. But if you don't feel like you are getting confirmation you are moving in the right direction or are unhappy with an angle in your life, switch it up. Try a new approach or even a completely different path. Appropriate and calculated risks can be some of our most poignantly refining moments in life. Sometimes we take steps only to find that what was waiting beyond the bend is something completely different than we ever expected in the best of ways. I wish I would have left the safe harbor of routine and comfort years before, These types of moments brought me to Chicago, reignited my faith, bolstered my confidence, returned me to school, and re-charted my course of life in a direction I never would have seen coming in just four amazing years. Those are real life miracles. In two short weeks I am coming to another crossroads of life and couldn't be more excited to see what this next chapter holds. I know I'm in the groove and the path will be there even when I may not be able to see it clearly. The last written step on my vision board says "West Bound and Down" and after that it'll be time to build another game plan. Some of the pieces to move home are in place, but many more are not. I've largely been calling audibles for the last few weeks, but so far that's been working out just fine, and I plan to "Omaha" myself right through Nebraska back to a Mile High. See you soon Denver.
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Alexander McNaChronicles of my journey into the nursing profession. Archives
September 2018
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